About Part 6 Stupidity. A video I found on You Tube after finding a link from Safe and Sound Schools/ A Sandy Hook Initiative. [ Sandy Hook having always been the working and middle class section of Newtown, Connecticut; a town in which I lived from August 24, 1974 to June of 1985, going to the same Newtown High as Adam Lanza did.
Horseshit. I found it. perhaps this was because former United States' President George W. Bush was the example? Back in 2008 when I worked the Hillary for
president campaign in Connecticut, I remember calling an Obama supporter in El
Paso, TX, a black-sounding man who first started he was for Obama and then went
on to say " As a construction foreman without a high school diploma, never
would I have thought that I'd be smarter than the president. However, when I
see George W. Bush on the television news making his speech, his body slouched
over like a moron who can't even stand up straight and speech slurred worse
than the dumbest cowboy in all of Texas, I look at that and say ' Hell, I am
smarter than this president! Hard to believe that this idiot graduated from
Harvard or wherever his rich daddy sent him to school at." Truly, he had a
point. I went on saying what my educated, but unable to hold the simplest jobs,
friend from a wealthy Jewish family on Long Island told me, one who graduated
from Columbia University with a master’s degree. “It’s hard to even believe
that this Bush moron even graduated from Yale. His father had to give Yale
money to build a new addition to their library or something in order for that
to pass." “His grandfather, actually", I replied. “The late, great US
Senator from Connecticut named Prescott Bush." However, Bush was probably
socially intelligent. I mean he knew how to properly pledge his fraternity,
Skull and Bones, and how to initiate recruits in that basement by attaching
electrodes to their testicles or whatever the hell they did while consuming
massive quantities of beer at their Rush Week.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Working class people and how their brains operate
From a recent comment on the documentary called Stupidity- Dumbing down of Society-Part three. How I can see the effects of this in American society in general.
" Very nice person, et. all" Sounds like, Gloria, this woman who works at the North Main Street laundromat here in Las Crucifixion, New Mexico, USA where I often go to wash my clothes. A typical working class woman who is single, brags about how " Smart [she] was in elementary school" and "How [she] graduated from Mayfield High School". That and how hard she works at her two fucking jobs as if she deserves a medal instead of getting absolutely NO medical benefits; except maybe through Obamacare, given she has enough sense to figure the goddamn thing out; or even figure out how to get online at Brannigan Memorial Library. Truly, I feel sorry for her, as she's just another victim of capitalism who's " Too proud" to not work hard for a living. Honestly, even though she's nice to me, I can tell by her tone of voice that she feels ' superior' to me in the sense that I'm the lazy bum on Social Security Disability who'd rather leach off the government and go to college. In some ways, however, she may be envious. Especially when I mention something I've learned in Psych 201G, CEP 110G, or especially in Women's Studies 201G and 202G. However, in Part 3 of the Dumbing down of Society, I can see why she harbors that condescending attitude. Obviously, she's got more emotional intelligence than I probably do in the sense that she knows what to say; and what NOT to say on the job. How to be a functional human " robot" so one can hold a job and earn a living. I must be honest and say that, even though I'm as financially poor as many of these working class simpletons here in Las Cruces, New Mexico [if not more so], I cannot relate to their fucking world of " God, family, and service to society and country". When she asked what I was doing for Christmas, I told her that " I don't see the sense in celebrating something so meaningless as that pathetic Christian Holiday, I'm not into the whole gift-giving crap scene, and the whole theory behind the Holiday Season makes absolutely no sense." [ About as much sense to me as that Republican idiot First Selectman of my former hometown, Newtown, Connecticut, who told the media to " Stay away from our little town on December 14, 2013" because " We're still trying to heal from the [ Lanza shooting] tragedy. What we need you to do is pray for us." As if " praying" about it to some phantasmagorical illusion called " Jesus Christ" is magically going to cure this country's gun problem bolstered by the National Assault Rifle Association's funding of Republican, and many Democratic Politician's campaigns.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Some thoughts on social media, bullying, and how it has disconnected us from what is [ supposedly] real in society
Moving to lovely, bucolic Newtown, Connecticut as a teen, I son learned how to,in the words of Marilyn Manson, how to " Hate every mother fucker that gets in your way". if only social media was available in those days! Newtown High School would have been a fuck of a lot more tolerable. That and maybe, just maybe, I would have come out as a queer teen; rather than suffer the lonely, essentially friendless existence I endured during the 10-1/2 years I spent in Newtown as the lonely piece of shit teenager. Hearing those old songs from Journey [ My first concert at Nassau Coliseum in Uniondale, NY at age 18; I was fucking DRUNK after driving around Baldwin and sitting in Baldwin Harbor Park smoking herb and getting fucked on peppermint schnapps!!!], for one night , I escaped the emotional pain of life in Newtown.
Newtown was a place where the jocks were " god", most of the women were preppie bitches, or prep-jocks [ like the guys]. As for the guys, if you weren't a jockstrap, you were one of the " firemanly-man fuckfaces"; one of those community-loving redneck types whose dad was either a farmer, or an auto mechanic. In other words, you were a fucking Connecticut Yankee redneck HICK! Someone who drove a pick-em-up truck and got all the fucking pussy the jocks did not. [ That or a " dick-chick" who loved to fuck these hick-bag " Town hero" assholes!] For me,Newtown was a miserable,lonely place. I had my few friends, all troublemakers,burglars and the like; all of whom basically drank like fish out of water would! However, living as the pre-transgender transition "Monkey-bastard" , love for me was something that would go no further than my bag of marijuana. Alone in my car atop Castle Hill Road's overlook, many nights had I sat; smoking weed and listening to WRKI-FM 95.1. That or usually WPLR 99.1 from New Haven or, when the signal came in, WBAB 102.3 from my " alma mater" , [Babylon] Long Island, New York.
Newtown, Connecticut was the place I learned to essentially hate people in general. That and hate the whole idea surrounding the theory of human social interaction and the sense of community.Not that Newtown wasn't a nice place; it was. It had lots of woods, trails to both hike, ride your horse, and/or the quads and dirt bike motorcycles. Yes, a redneck thing. Gods did I try so hard to fit in with those Jack Daniels' swilling redneck mother fuckers! Those who loved to deer hunt and shoot varmint of all sorts, then come into their shithole cottages they lived in down in Sandy Hook, stoke the wood stove and yes,clean their guns while drinking Jack and Coke and smoking buds. They, I thought, were my friends; yet in reality I simply did not empathize with their whole Ku Klux Klan gun culture.One where white was king and Black meant you were "One of those niggers over in Danbury and down in Bridgeport." A welfare mamma who kept on having babies; or welfare daddy who was too lazy to work and wanted to sell weed all day on the corner of Gregory and Renell [ Bridgeport's South End near Famous Apizza]. Come junior year at Newtown High, I was essentially a waste case. Teen women saw me as an unkempt scumbag; the guys who I was supposed to one of BULLIED ME to no end. They saw me as a fucking faggot, gay fairy, and femme.
When I got my first car, a moped, and job at the Newtown Bee, I loved the newly found freedom I had! No longer did I have to stay in Newtown and suffer! I often rode to Southbury, a town which had even more redneck assholes than Newtown ever did! Also,back in the summer of 1979 when I first got my Connecticut Driver's license, I took the fuck off on a long moped trip. Bag of weed in pocket and biker wallet, I headed to the Berkshire Hills; landing at Mount Everett near Mount Washington, Massachusetts. Mass. was a far cooler place back then! More weed,more acid, and far cooler people than we had down in Connecticut!!! Women were awesome up in Massachusetts. Definitely not the [ mostly] stuck up, jock and fireman-fucking CUNTS that Newtown was well-known for!
I soon learned to hate every place I would ever live. That and, confused from the only advice I received from my douche-bag guidance counselor, Mrs. Donna Fox at Newtown High School; add to that the moron who enrolled me in the Henry Abbott Technical High School Shared-time program, Mrs. Eva Roman; after being told how I'd make a great auto mechanic and/or firefighter, I did not know what to think!!! Outside, there was this [ supposedly] " male" shell and an extremely hateful attitude toward women I saw as "Bitches, cunts, and cheerleaders". Inside, nothing at all made any sense. I saw going to the prom as something which was stupid, made no fucking sense at all. Why the fuck would anyone want to look like business executive, translation " yuppie asshole" to go to some dance? And yes, from the perspective of that role associated with that shell I lived in; why would I want to get dressed up in some monkey suit tuxedo and take some bitch from Newtown, Connecticut to the damn prom? To have to hold the door for this " helpless waif" who obviously could not do it for her own goddamn self [ or at least wanted me to think she could could in the name of stupid "chivalry" ] and look like those firemanly son of a bitches. Those who fit the definition of "Pink carnation and a pickup truck" in Don McLean's Song: American Pie. FORGET IT!!!
And so, soon dropping out of Newtown High [ yet going on home-bound education at the insistence of my father and mother who worried that I'd become an even bigger schmuck without that diploma!],I worked as a custodian at Bethel, Connecticut's FINAST Supermarkets; this as part time janitor. Taking into consideration the gender role prescribed at birth for me to live in, I was a " shoe shine boy". Feel free to interpret this literally,mind you, as one day when a pregnant Black Woman walked into our store, Buddy and several of the other Danbury Firefighters moonlighting at Finast of Bethel literally began calling me " RASMUS" [short for Erasmus, and yes, a common African-American name]. At first it seemed funny. However, after listening to this shit for over one year, it got old. The joke was this. taking into consideration that I constantly complained about NOT being admitted into their store union, the United Food and Commercial Workers Local 19 of Western Connecticut, then compounding that with the fact that "janitor" is also called PORTER and most of my co-workers and the two managers were RACIST WHITE and blue-collar Connecticut Yankees; RASMUS was me! I was the store's "white nigger".
Looking back now,I see how things have changed! White kids now try and act " Black" even if they live in prissy-ass white neighborhoods like Newtown and Southbury, Connecticut. Many want to be like "The gang-bangers seen on MTV". Meanwhile their parents, all of whom are from my generation [ one I never matured with], are trying hard to deal with the same shit our parents dealt with when it came to raising children and teens. For the most part, kids today are OVER-MEDICATED and OVER-SCHEDULED. Both parents and schools push them harder than we were ever pushed! Many are trying hard to be the disciplinarians we hated in our own parents, and yes, everything to these over-medicated brats is social media and material bullshit! The MTV generation who are now, in the more conservative, Republican Families, listening to some fucking parent yell at them for texting during family dinner hour when we're all supposed to "Pretend that we are the Walton's on TV" and "Love thy sister and brother". IT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! I AM SO GLAD THAT I BECAME A "LOSER", RATHER THAN ONE OF THESE PATHETIC, MODERN PARENTS TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP THE WALTON'S DREAM ALIVE!
That said, here I am today, the one who never really grew up and achieved the key milestones set forth by Erikson in his " Generativity vs. Stagnation" Social Theory. Here I am interacting with 19 to 22 year-olds at college,clueless as to what life is like for the typical, career and family-focused adult; many who have know become grandparents as well. In her book, Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other, Sherry Turkle elaborated upon how we've become a society that needs to constantly be stimulated. How we've become less turned to what is occurring in the outside world; and more in tune with me, myself, I and those who seem to be like us online. How community values, and yes, FAMILY VALUES, have become less and less important and almost nonexistent in today's society. How we believe we're " connected" to the political process online; yet are NOT really connected to others and active in our communities.
Which brings me to this. WHAT IS THIS OUTSIDE COMMUNITY? Driving around Las Cruces, all I see is a world I've been long excluded from! A world of hard-working adults, many who work at shit jobs just to pay their fucking bills; Walmart Las Cruces - S Valley Dr. for example. having been on Social Security Disability for more than 24 years and not having worked [ except off the books a little] for over 16 of those years, I cannot even relate to the concept of being employed. The only jobs I qualify for are those shit jobs, jobs in retail where one's expected to work like a Black Slave or sharecropper like many at Walmart or McDonald's seem to do. So what the fuck? I may as well be in college and working on my future book; at which time I shall expose this bullshit sense of "community" as never really having existed for those who, like me [according to my often critical, Republican-Voting sister, Linda], never knew how to show empathy toward others, NEVER REALLY EXISTED!
Ms. Turkle has a point about how learning in the classroom is far better than it is online, though she also claims that more and more professors in colleges and universities expect students to LEARN ONLINE; something which often excludes us less technical-savvy non-traditional students growing up in a time when we didn't have the internet. That and yes, long before credit checks became a requirement for renting an apartment [ discrimination and the cause of homelessness for many] and one could not drive down the freeway without constantly worrying about whether or not some "pig" [police officer] was going to discover that we had a hidden warrant out for our arrest over some bullshit nothing so-called " crime". She does have a point about how life has become more lonely, in the local sense of community, because the internet's made it far easier to simply ignore the people surrounding where one lives. However, for those of us who never could find pleasure in interacting with our families, who saw family dinnertime and all its useless fucking rules as just one big frustration. For those of us who were the pathetic "loser", the geek, freak, queer, faggot, nerd, dweeb, not a fucking jockstrap and NOT inclined to perform as civil servant for the Newtown Hook and Ladder or Southbury Volunteer Firemen's Association; nor one to be the Boy or Girl Scout, churchgoer or what have you? Maybe social media has been more of a blessing than the curse of society, the destroyer of all that supposedly "loving and caring" one only can get by physically interacting with other humans in their often fucked-up family or community!
Thinking back to those miserable, lonely days at Newtown High School, a time when, to put it in the words of Lisa Nacinovich [ now married and Lisa Serogi], I was " Really cool but angry all the time" ; SOCIAL MEDIA WOULD HAVE PROVIDED ME WITH PLENTY OF SOCIAL OPPORTUNITIES THAT MY STUPID FUCKING COMMUNITY SIMPLY LACKED! Hell, I may have even had a girlfriend via social media,maybe.Then again, I may have emerged from that huge, dark closet of fear, fear of being my own QUEER SELF, if the internet were around back then. All I had back then was that moped to ride off to Danbury, or maybe to Brewster, New York or to Massachusetts' Mount Everett and out to almost the Rhode Island State Line; landing at Camp Niantic by the Atlantic. A campground along Eastern Connecticut's beautiful Route 156 near the hamlet of same name. What I'm bringing out here is this. That 12 year young woman down in Florida would have still killed herself, even if social media were not available. That or, rather than be psychologically tormented and bullied online or on Facebook; she would have been BULLIED IN HER FUCKING " WONDERFUL,WARM AND LOVING" COMMUNITY! Physically bullied, and if she were a transgender woman still in " male" shell? Well yes, at top-rated for the number of teens who go onto college Newtown High School in Sandy Hook, Connecticut, as " It" , she would have lived in fear of having her BRAINS BASHED OUT every fucking day she was at school! The highly respected jockstrap mother fuckers would have grabbed her by her long hair [or maybe undies] after gym class in that locker room, then used that long hair to "mop out" the shit-filled toilet bowl! At which time Coach Norman Westlake would have come strolling in, nonchalantly, and yelled " OROPEL! WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON IN HERE? NEXT TIME YOU START TROUBLE [ with my cannot do any wrong whatsoever Newtown Indians' Football Stars] I' LL DRAG YOU BY THE EAR TO EARL J. SMITH'S OFFICE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?" That said, if it weren't for Lady Cannabis, I would have committed suicide ten times over as a teenager!
The moral of the story being that yes, maybe those days of us Americans feeling as if we belonged to our PHYSICAL COMMUNITY have been replaced, " Sadly" in the worldview of author Sherry Turkle, by social media. Maybe kids and teens no longer hold any regard for quiet times with family at that dinner table. However, for those who,like me, never truly felt that sense of closeness with our families; often seeing that proverbial question of " How did you do on that test?" [ or maybe " Why are your eyes always so red?" ] as MAJORLY ANNOYING! I mean to constantly hear your so-called loving father rip into you at holiday dinners with extended family, constantly reminding you of what an " Abnormal bastard you [ were]" and how you never knew how to " Act like a human being around company"; looking back I only WISH THAT FACEBOOK WERE AROUND AT THE TIME! However, it was not. That said, for the duration of those three fucking years I spent at Newtown High School, the " Award-winning school" it always was [ Ratings of Newtown Schools compared to other CT. towns. ]; every day when I got off that bus at Blakeslee Drive and Hanover Rd. and walked back to our splanch home with the red, used-brick siding and faux- redwood on top, I'd briefly run inside. As soon as Dad started his usual questioning of " Why are your eyes always red all the time?" I'd say " LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" At which time I'd run into my room, grab that bag of pot and the mini-bong, then quickly walk down that hill past the unfinished guest house and off into the woods.
Packing bowl after bowl, I'd go into my fantasy town called "Deerfield Valley, Connecticut". One which I built using shovel, pick, and wood saw;plus my Christian Neighbor Mr. Crouch's "come-a-long" [as he called the rock/log puller or winch] and literally had a miniature working " city sewer system". In that metal chair I would sit for hours,often well into the evening hours and past dark; smoking bowl after bowl full of pot and enjoying the company of myself and my imaginary family. As usual, it was "Chris and Cheryl Keyes" of Baldwin, New York. Like back in childhood but now supposedly developing into an adult, I played my usual fantasy games; the real world was never going to be a place I would be a welcome part of and that I knew!Newtown, Connecticut had other stuff to do besides being a firefighter or Girl/Boy Scout. I cannot say that Mr. Crouch did not try. Assuming I needed " Jesus Christ" in my life, he convinced me to come into the AWANA Youth Fellowship at the Newtown First Baptist Church on Sugar Street [ Route 302]. However, after I refused to " Get saved", that was the end of that! Newtown also had the Little Theatre on Route 25 and Orchard Hill Road, a classical music youth ensemble, the fucking Four-H Club, and much more. However, I never felt a compassionate desire to help others, essentially seeing other human beings as my arch enemies or just empty, happy faces in the crowd. Rule out the Four-H Club and the Scouts here; as well as any goddamn church group for that matter! Life in Newtown left me with so little self-esteem that, even if I had talents of any kind [ like that imagination that literally saved me from the ever depressing realities of life!], I NEVER USED THEM TO DO ANYTHING GOOD WITH MY LIFE.
To this day, I am STILL NOT ONE TO WANT TO BELONG TO ANY GREATER COMMUNITY! Rather I see volunteerism as little more than a pathetic excuse by the " Christian" types to keep delaying what could be the real solution to America's Problems; Marxism or Socialism in some form or other and the regulation of unbridled excessive CAPITALISM! If the goddamn welfare agencies provided for those in need, by appropriately taxing the most wealthy instead of offering them loopholes as long as they " gave to charitable organizations", there'd be no need for food banks and soup kitchens! Anyway, that said, I must say that, for anti-family and anti-community types such as myself, social media has been wonderful. Now I can get into vicious arguments, and yes, do a little cyber-bullying of my own, toward those I hate the most in America. Those who are too goddamn stupid to accept a handout like SNAP Benefits and believe that everyone's out to harm them; including the government, and so will defend their Second Amendment Rights to the finish line! Those who are trying, through the use of political lobbying under guise of their church organizations, to destroy everything liberals and queers have worked so hard for. And those whose political position I simply disagree with. I AM GETTING BACK AT EVERYONE I HATED WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER IN NEWTOWN, CONNECTICUT! That and, now that I've come out of the closet and become what I always was inside, I now use the internet to bully those very same people that I, for the longest time in both Newtown and especially at jobs I held [ never for long], only agreed with so as to not get beaten up or shot! If Ms. Turkle really thinks social media has taken us away from that big dinner table full of family values depicted on television's 1970's Series called The Walton's; well I have another perspective on that to tell everyone!
Newtown was a place where the jocks were " god", most of the women were preppie bitches, or prep-jocks [ like the guys]. As for the guys, if you weren't a jockstrap, you were one of the " firemanly-man fuckfaces"; one of those community-loving redneck types whose dad was either a farmer, or an auto mechanic. In other words, you were a fucking Connecticut Yankee redneck HICK! Someone who drove a pick-em-up truck and got all the fucking pussy the jocks did not. [ That or a " dick-chick" who loved to fuck these hick-bag " Town hero" assholes!] For me,Newtown was a miserable,lonely place. I had my few friends, all troublemakers,burglars and the like; all of whom basically drank like fish out of water would! However, living as the pre-transgender transition "Monkey-bastard" , love for me was something that would go no further than my bag of marijuana. Alone in my car atop Castle Hill Road's overlook, many nights had I sat; smoking weed and listening to WRKI-FM 95.1. That or usually WPLR 99.1 from New Haven or, when the signal came in, WBAB 102.3 from my " alma mater" , [Babylon] Long Island, New York.
Newtown, Connecticut was the place I learned to essentially hate people in general. That and hate the whole idea surrounding the theory of human social interaction and the sense of community.Not that Newtown wasn't a nice place; it was. It had lots of woods, trails to both hike, ride your horse, and/or the quads and dirt bike motorcycles. Yes, a redneck thing. Gods did I try so hard to fit in with those Jack Daniels' swilling redneck mother fuckers! Those who loved to deer hunt and shoot varmint of all sorts, then come into their shithole cottages they lived in down in Sandy Hook, stoke the wood stove and yes,clean their guns while drinking Jack and Coke and smoking buds. They, I thought, were my friends; yet in reality I simply did not empathize with their whole Ku Klux Klan gun culture.One where white was king and Black meant you were "One of those niggers over in Danbury and down in Bridgeport." A welfare mamma who kept on having babies; or welfare daddy who was too lazy to work and wanted to sell weed all day on the corner of Gregory and Renell [ Bridgeport's South End near Famous Apizza]. Come junior year at Newtown High, I was essentially a waste case. Teen women saw me as an unkempt scumbag; the guys who I was supposed to one of BULLIED ME to no end. They saw me as a fucking faggot, gay fairy, and femme.
When I got my first car, a moped, and job at the Newtown Bee, I loved the newly found freedom I had! No longer did I have to stay in Newtown and suffer! I often rode to Southbury, a town which had even more redneck assholes than Newtown ever did! Also,back in the summer of 1979 when I first got my Connecticut Driver's license, I took the fuck off on a long moped trip. Bag of weed in pocket and biker wallet, I headed to the Berkshire Hills; landing at Mount Everett near Mount Washington, Massachusetts. Mass. was a far cooler place back then! More weed,more acid, and far cooler people than we had down in Connecticut!!! Women were awesome up in Massachusetts. Definitely not the [ mostly] stuck up, jock and fireman-fucking CUNTS that Newtown was well-known for!
I soon learned to hate every place I would ever live. That and, confused from the only advice I received from my douche-bag guidance counselor, Mrs. Donna Fox at Newtown High School; add to that the moron who enrolled me in the Henry Abbott Technical High School Shared-time program, Mrs. Eva Roman; after being told how I'd make a great auto mechanic and/or firefighter, I did not know what to think!!! Outside, there was this [ supposedly] " male" shell and an extremely hateful attitude toward women I saw as "Bitches, cunts, and cheerleaders". Inside, nothing at all made any sense. I saw going to the prom as something which was stupid, made no fucking sense at all. Why the fuck would anyone want to look like business executive, translation " yuppie asshole" to go to some dance? And yes, from the perspective of that role associated with that shell I lived in; why would I want to get dressed up in some monkey suit tuxedo and take some bitch from Newtown, Connecticut to the damn prom? To have to hold the door for this " helpless waif" who obviously could not do it for her own goddamn self [ or at least wanted me to think she could could in the name of stupid "chivalry" ] and look like those firemanly son of a bitches. Those who fit the definition of "Pink carnation and a pickup truck" in Don McLean's Song: American Pie. FORGET IT!!!
And so, soon dropping out of Newtown High [ yet going on home-bound education at the insistence of my father and mother who worried that I'd become an even bigger schmuck without that diploma!],I worked as a custodian at Bethel, Connecticut's FINAST Supermarkets; this as part time janitor. Taking into consideration the gender role prescribed at birth for me to live in, I was a " shoe shine boy". Feel free to interpret this literally,mind you, as one day when a pregnant Black Woman walked into our store, Buddy and several of the other Danbury Firefighters moonlighting at Finast of Bethel literally began calling me " RASMUS" [short for Erasmus, and yes, a common African-American name]. At first it seemed funny. However, after listening to this shit for over one year, it got old. The joke was this. taking into consideration that I constantly complained about NOT being admitted into their store union, the United Food and Commercial Workers Local 19 of Western Connecticut, then compounding that with the fact that "janitor" is also called PORTER and most of my co-workers and the two managers were RACIST WHITE and blue-collar Connecticut Yankees; RASMUS was me! I was the store's "white nigger".
Looking back now,I see how things have changed! White kids now try and act " Black" even if they live in prissy-ass white neighborhoods like Newtown and Southbury, Connecticut. Many want to be like "The gang-bangers seen on MTV". Meanwhile their parents, all of whom are from my generation [ one I never matured with], are trying hard to deal with the same shit our parents dealt with when it came to raising children and teens. For the most part, kids today are OVER-MEDICATED and OVER-SCHEDULED. Both parents and schools push them harder than we were ever pushed! Many are trying hard to be the disciplinarians we hated in our own parents, and yes, everything to these over-medicated brats is social media and material bullshit! The MTV generation who are now, in the more conservative, Republican Families, listening to some fucking parent yell at them for texting during family dinner hour when we're all supposed to "Pretend that we are the Walton's on TV" and "Love thy sister and brother". IT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! I AM SO GLAD THAT I BECAME A "LOSER", RATHER THAN ONE OF THESE PATHETIC, MODERN PARENTS TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP THE WALTON'S DREAM ALIVE!
That said, here I am today, the one who never really grew up and achieved the key milestones set forth by Erikson in his " Generativity vs. Stagnation" Social Theory. Here I am interacting with 19 to 22 year-olds at college,clueless as to what life is like for the typical, career and family-focused adult; many who have know become grandparents as well. In her book, Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other, Sherry Turkle elaborated upon how we've become a society that needs to constantly be stimulated. How we've become less turned to what is occurring in the outside world; and more in tune with me, myself, I and those who seem to be like us online. How community values, and yes, FAMILY VALUES, have become less and less important and almost nonexistent in today's society. How we believe we're " connected" to the political process online; yet are NOT really connected to others and active in our communities.
Which brings me to this. WHAT IS THIS OUTSIDE COMMUNITY? Driving around Las Cruces, all I see is a world I've been long excluded from! A world of hard-working adults, many who work at shit jobs just to pay their fucking bills; Walmart Las Cruces - S Valley Dr. for example. having been on Social Security Disability for more than 24 years and not having worked [ except off the books a little] for over 16 of those years, I cannot even relate to the concept of being employed. The only jobs I qualify for are those shit jobs, jobs in retail where one's expected to work like a Black Slave or sharecropper like many at Walmart or McDonald's seem to do. So what the fuck? I may as well be in college and working on my future book; at which time I shall expose this bullshit sense of "community" as never really having existed for those who, like me [according to my often critical, Republican-Voting sister, Linda], never knew how to show empathy toward others, NEVER REALLY EXISTED!
Ms. Turkle has a point about how learning in the classroom is far better than it is online, though she also claims that more and more professors in colleges and universities expect students to LEARN ONLINE; something which often excludes us less technical-savvy non-traditional students growing up in a time when we didn't have the internet. That and yes, long before credit checks became a requirement for renting an apartment [ discrimination and the cause of homelessness for many] and one could not drive down the freeway without constantly worrying about whether or not some "pig" [police officer] was going to discover that we had a hidden warrant out for our arrest over some bullshit nothing so-called " crime". She does have a point about how life has become more lonely, in the local sense of community, because the internet's made it far easier to simply ignore the people surrounding where one lives. However, for those of us who never could find pleasure in interacting with our families, who saw family dinnertime and all its useless fucking rules as just one big frustration. For those of us who were the pathetic "loser", the geek, freak, queer, faggot, nerd, dweeb, not a fucking jockstrap and NOT inclined to perform as civil servant for the Newtown Hook and Ladder or Southbury Volunteer Firemen's Association; nor one to be the Boy or Girl Scout, churchgoer or what have you? Maybe social media has been more of a blessing than the curse of society, the destroyer of all that supposedly "loving and caring" one only can get by physically interacting with other humans in their often fucked-up family or community!
Thinking back to those miserable, lonely days at Newtown High School, a time when, to put it in the words of Lisa Nacinovich [ now married and Lisa Serogi], I was " Really cool but angry all the time" ; SOCIAL MEDIA WOULD HAVE PROVIDED ME WITH PLENTY OF SOCIAL OPPORTUNITIES THAT MY STUPID FUCKING COMMUNITY SIMPLY LACKED! Hell, I may have even had a girlfriend via social media,maybe.Then again, I may have emerged from that huge, dark closet of fear, fear of being my own QUEER SELF, if the internet were around back then. All I had back then was that moped to ride off to Danbury, or maybe to Brewster, New York or to Massachusetts' Mount Everett and out to almost the Rhode Island State Line; landing at Camp Niantic by the Atlantic. A campground along Eastern Connecticut's beautiful Route 156 near the hamlet of same name. What I'm bringing out here is this. That 12 year young woman down in Florida would have still killed herself, even if social media were not available. That or, rather than be psychologically tormented and bullied online or on Facebook; she would have been BULLIED IN HER FUCKING " WONDERFUL,WARM AND LOVING" COMMUNITY! Physically bullied, and if she were a transgender woman still in " male" shell? Well yes, at top-rated for the number of teens who go onto college Newtown High School in Sandy Hook, Connecticut, as " It" , she would have lived in fear of having her BRAINS BASHED OUT every fucking day she was at school! The highly respected jockstrap mother fuckers would have grabbed her by her long hair [or maybe undies] after gym class in that locker room, then used that long hair to "mop out" the shit-filled toilet bowl! At which time Coach Norman Westlake would have come strolling in, nonchalantly, and yelled " OROPEL! WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON IN HERE? NEXT TIME YOU START TROUBLE [ with my cannot do any wrong whatsoever Newtown Indians' Football Stars] I' LL DRAG YOU BY THE EAR TO EARL J. SMITH'S OFFICE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?" That said, if it weren't for Lady Cannabis, I would have committed suicide ten times over as a teenager!
The moral of the story being that yes, maybe those days of us Americans feeling as if we belonged to our PHYSICAL COMMUNITY have been replaced, " Sadly" in the worldview of author Sherry Turkle, by social media. Maybe kids and teens no longer hold any regard for quiet times with family at that dinner table. However, for those who,like me, never truly felt that sense of closeness with our families; often seeing that proverbial question of " How did you do on that test?" [ or maybe " Why are your eyes always so red?" ] as MAJORLY ANNOYING! I mean to constantly hear your so-called loving father rip into you at holiday dinners with extended family, constantly reminding you of what an " Abnormal bastard you [ were]" and how you never knew how to " Act like a human being around company"; looking back I only WISH THAT FACEBOOK WERE AROUND AT THE TIME! However, it was not. That said, for the duration of those three fucking years I spent at Newtown High School, the " Award-winning school" it always was [ Ratings of Newtown Schools compared to other CT. towns. ]; every day when I got off that bus at Blakeslee Drive and Hanover Rd. and walked back to our splanch home with the red, used-brick siding and faux- redwood on top, I'd briefly run inside. As soon as Dad started his usual questioning of " Why are your eyes always red all the time?" I'd say " LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" At which time I'd run into my room, grab that bag of pot and the mini-bong, then quickly walk down that hill past the unfinished guest house and off into the woods.
Packing bowl after bowl, I'd go into my fantasy town called "Deerfield Valley, Connecticut". One which I built using shovel, pick, and wood saw;plus my Christian Neighbor Mr. Crouch's "come-a-long" [as he called the rock/log puller or winch] and literally had a miniature working " city sewer system". In that metal chair I would sit for hours,often well into the evening hours and past dark; smoking bowl after bowl full of pot and enjoying the company of myself and my imaginary family. As usual, it was "Chris and Cheryl Keyes" of Baldwin, New York. Like back in childhood but now supposedly developing into an adult, I played my usual fantasy games; the real world was never going to be a place I would be a welcome part of and that I knew!Newtown, Connecticut had other stuff to do besides being a firefighter or Girl/Boy Scout. I cannot say that Mr. Crouch did not try. Assuming I needed " Jesus Christ" in my life, he convinced me to come into the AWANA Youth Fellowship at the Newtown First Baptist Church on Sugar Street [ Route 302]. However, after I refused to " Get saved", that was the end of that! Newtown also had the Little Theatre on Route 25 and Orchard Hill Road, a classical music youth ensemble, the fucking Four-H Club, and much more. However, I never felt a compassionate desire to help others, essentially seeing other human beings as my arch enemies or just empty, happy faces in the crowd. Rule out the Four-H Club and the Scouts here; as well as any goddamn church group for that matter! Life in Newtown left me with so little self-esteem that, even if I had talents of any kind [ like that imagination that literally saved me from the ever depressing realities of life!], I NEVER USED THEM TO DO ANYTHING GOOD WITH MY LIFE.
To this day, I am STILL NOT ONE TO WANT TO BELONG TO ANY GREATER COMMUNITY! Rather I see volunteerism as little more than a pathetic excuse by the " Christian" types to keep delaying what could be the real solution to America's Problems; Marxism or Socialism in some form or other and the regulation of unbridled excessive CAPITALISM! If the goddamn welfare agencies provided for those in need, by appropriately taxing the most wealthy instead of offering them loopholes as long as they " gave to charitable organizations", there'd be no need for food banks and soup kitchens! Anyway, that said, I must say that, for anti-family and anti-community types such as myself, social media has been wonderful. Now I can get into vicious arguments, and yes, do a little cyber-bullying of my own, toward those I hate the most in America. Those who are too goddamn stupid to accept a handout like SNAP Benefits and believe that everyone's out to harm them; including the government, and so will defend their Second Amendment Rights to the finish line! Those who are trying, through the use of political lobbying under guise of their church organizations, to destroy everything liberals and queers have worked so hard for. And those whose political position I simply disagree with. I AM GETTING BACK AT EVERYONE I HATED WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER IN NEWTOWN, CONNECTICUT! That and, now that I've come out of the closet and become what I always was inside, I now use the internet to bully those very same people that I, for the longest time in both Newtown and especially at jobs I held [ never for long], only agreed with so as to not get beaten up or shot! If Ms. Turkle really thinks social media has taken us away from that big dinner table full of family values depicted on television's 1970's Series called The Walton's; well I have another perspective on that to tell everyone!
Some thoughts on social media, bullying, and how it has disconnected us from what is [ supposedly] real in society
From Bill Moyers Show on PBS' KRWG 22 in Las Cruces, New Mexico, USA. From the book by Sherry Turkle: Alone Together; available on Amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/Alone-Together-Expect-Technology-Other/dp/0465031463 . Some thoughts from somebody who was truly a socially inept "loser" and thought Dale Carnegie's Book should have been titled How to Kiss Ass in order to Win Friends and Influence People.
On his show, he's interviewing a woman writer and professor named Sherry Turkle. One who just published a book titled Alone Together. In her book, she states that social media has made people believe that they need to put down the social media and spend more time actually interacting with others in person. However, the way I'm interpreting it, some of the shit she is saying makes sense; while much of it, in particular how kids/teens now turn to social media on their smartphones as a way to connect to those they are interested in during some boring as shit holiday dinner with family, goes against what I believe.
Anyway,my first reaction was this. From a Facebook Post, by the way. "Like what the fuck, I'm sure? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO BACK TO PRETENDING TO BE THE FUCKING WALTON'S ON TV? Speaking for myself, that NEVER EXISTED for me! Then again, maybe this was what my sister meant when she said that, as a child and teen, I never learned how to show EMPATHY toward others? Truthfully, I found family dinners to be lame, especially after my overly-critical father started his bullshit about how I "Didn't know how to act right when we were with company". LIKE I SAID, THERE WAS NO WALTON'S MOUNTAIN SENSE OF " SHANGRI-LA" IN MY FAMILY! Just Dad being an asshole as usual , and Grandma Gebbia making things more tolerable when she " treated" us kids/teens to as much red Italian Wine as we wanted!!!
I went on to describe those " happy" memories of holidays with the family, in the days before social media made the bullshit far easier to swallow for kids and teenagers.
On his show, he's interviewing a woman writer and professor named Sherry Turkle. One who just published a book titled Alone Together. In her book, she states that social media has made people believe that they need to put down the social media and spend more time actually interacting with others in person. However, the way I'm interpreting it, some of the shit she is saying makes sense; while much of it, in particular how kids/teens now turn to social media on their smartphones as a way to connect to those they are interested in during some boring as shit holiday dinner with family, goes against what I believe.
Anyway,my first reaction was this. From a Facebook Post, by the way. "Like what the fuck, I'm sure? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO BACK TO PRETENDING TO BE THE FUCKING WALTON'S ON TV? Speaking for myself, that NEVER EXISTED for me! Then again, maybe this was what my sister meant when she said that, as a child and teen, I never learned how to show EMPATHY toward others? Truthfully, I found family dinners to be lame, especially after my overly-critical father started his bullshit about how I "Didn't know how to act right when we were with company". LIKE I SAID, THERE WAS NO WALTON'S MOUNTAIN SENSE OF " SHANGRI-LA" IN MY FAMILY! Just Dad being an asshole as usual , and Grandma Gebbia making things more tolerable when she " treated" us kids/teens to as much red Italian Wine as we wanted!!!
I went on to describe those " happy" memories of holidays with the family, in the days before social media made the bullshit far easier to swallow for kids and teenagers.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Well I haven't posted in here in a while, not since June. Between working on my novel, revising and editing and all that, and driving around after that car accident, I haven't had the chance. Truthfully, I've been doing most of my ranting on Facebook. having applied to three different SUNY schools back in New York State, after [ the parent of Dona Ana Community College] New Mexico State University placed a hold over an unpaid summer housing bill, I was unable to get the needed transcripts. That and was threatened with the cancellation of all my fall classes if the bill was not paid to below $1,000 by Sept. 3. Nevertheless, having taken out another loan, an Unsubsidized Stafford Loan, I was able to get it down to $486 and, after paying another $350, I managed to stay in classes.The manager at accounts receivable, at our new Dona Ana Branch on the East Mesa, she removed the hold, but just temporarily.
No matter, because that's all I needed to get those transcripts I had requested back in early July and get them sent to the three State University of New York Schools who needed them to continue processing my admissions applications. Guess what, I WAS ACCEPTED TO SUNY POTSDAM!!! Yes, to their creative writing BA program for spring semester. Now all that's left is to figure out how I'll pay for what's left after what the Stafford Subsidized, and Unsubsidized Loans, plus SEOG and Pell Grants had paid for. Being an out of state student, the costs are going to be around $15-16,000 a year; for the first year until I can establish New York State Residency.
So going back " home", I hope. back to those cold winters with the snow and all. To be honest, outside of Santa Fe, I do not really care for New Mexico. Sure the weather in Las Cruces is better, if you don't mind the dust-storms carrying huge plumes of dust which gets into everything. I never got sick as much as I did since coming here; my right lung's had dry pneumonia since I moved to this fucking barrio/redneck pile of depressing shit. That said, I'm hoping there will be a way to do this. I'm ready for Potsdam.Now, to get through the math course I am taking. Some of the stuff I learned years ago at Naugatuck Valley Community College in Mr. Brunelli's Beginning Algebra Class I remembered, other stuff like compound interest I'm having trouble with.
The fucking professor, Dr. Ulloa, seems to have an attitude toward me because of my transgender status alone; never mind anything else. His syllabus' rubrics are vague at best, and, when I asked him for advice as to how to get help doing this; all he could say was " You have the book.There's examples in it." This after, just a week and a half prior when I questioned as to why we've not been going by the book, he told me that the book was optional! That said, I returned it; needing the money for food the mother fucking shit amount of $137 [ now $138 whoopie!!!] in SNAP Benefits does not buy! That's another story altogether. Susana " Chaucha" Martinez, our fucking Mexican-American Chicana Republican piece of shit governor [ chaucha=cunt] doesn't give a flying fuck about those who are struggling.
Anyway, so Potsdam, I got in. Looking forward to mountains with actual TREES UPON THEM, even if those trees go bare for the winter from November through late April.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
From a post I wrote in the " I love the USA" page on Facebook.
Yes, there is a lot to " love" about the USA. Firstly, the USA now ranks 15th in the industrialized world and has politicians wanting to eliminate the half-arsed health care system about to go into effect. A place where the college student constantly needs to worry about how their loans will ever be repaid, wh...ere Walmart managers earn 15 times what their hired slaves do; and where the average working schmuck does not earn enough to pay the rent. Shall I add, a nation with the highest teen pregnancy rate in the free world because politicians called Republicans cater to the rapidly fading Christian fundamentalist churches at the expense of everyone who, like that Scopes Monkey, has the education and ability to think for themselves. A place where the POOR mother who cannot even afford to support one child is forced to have five of them; all because the 1974 Hyde Amendment prohibits Medicaid from covering legal abortion services; or even contraceptives for that matter. To help contribute to this matter, we have idiot politicians they call " compassionate conservatives", usually Republicans on the far right who, rather than show any sense of COMPASSION for those less fortunate, do what they can to cut funding to Planned Parenthood. An organization started by Margaret Sanger of Western New York that actually provides referrals for MEN to get low-cost vasectomies so they no longer feel the need to bring more unwanted children into society; children they, and their wives/partners, cannot even afford to support on a crappy Walmart or "McGarbage" salary and shouldn't be having because they often don't have the brains needed to become a parent in the first place. America, the place where the billionaire pays far less income taxes than that same working schmuck at Walmart; e.g. Duke Walton vs. " Jane Q. Walmart-Cashier. They still claim that everyone has a chance to become the next Charles or David H. Koch, doing business from their smartphones as they " Live that life of luxury...lazing on a sunny afternoon...in the summertime" off the Southampton, NY, USA coast. Or maybe the coast off of Cape Cod as Mitt Romney directs his captain to chart a course toward the Cayman Islands as Ann powders her wrinkly old face to " cover up those age lines" she received from having to constantly scream at her Mexican Undocumented Nanny to make sure she changed her five son's diapers properly! The Mexican-Americans here at New Mexico State University surely believe the elusive American Dream still exists; the long-fading fable that if one " Works hard and plays by the rules" , they, too, can become the next Willard Mitt Romney, Duke Walton, or David H. Koch. And then come graduation, that is, if they can even graduate after the university places a " hold" on their student record over some unpaid traffic ticket or housing bill not paid in full. Add to that the $48,000 in accumulated DEBT from subsidized, and unsubsidized Stafford [ student ] Loans which must be repaid six months after either graduation, or leaving school for some other reason. France offers a free college education for all citizens, the UK offers government-controlled student loans with NO INTEREST. What do we have here? Answer, a bunch of greedy bankers getting wealthy off the backs of college students, bankers who will get even wealthier when the interest on subsidized Stafford Loans doubles from 3.4 percent; to 6.8 percent this summer! For most Americans, immigrants to America, they will probably never see the elusive American Dream. The average writer will never become another Stephen King, nor will the Walmart cashier become a store manager anytime before either getting fired for this or that mistake, or quitting in disgust. That or maybe going on Social Security Disability after landing in the psychiatric institution due to a nervous breakdown associated with being pushed, constantly, to do thirty hours of work in just eight hours. This often happens in companies who, like Walmart, refuse to allow their workers to either form, or join a labor union! Those with a college degree in an in-demand employment field will, more likely than not, work for some corporation like Verizon Telecommunications for the next thirty-five years or so; that is if they do not get laid off. They will become part of the American Proletariat whose main function is to serve the American Bourgeoisie. For many lesbians [ and gays], they cannot legally marry their loving and committed partners in thirty-eight USA States; unlike in the Netherlands, UK, Canada, and now France. For those born transgender, they will have no rights in more than 30 USA States to live in their actual gender; not the one solely based upon their birth sex. I could go on and on, but you get the point. America has some of the stupidest people on the planet. Don't believe me? Take a look at all the garbage magazines sold at the Walmart, or Stop and Shop checkout counter, or the mostly-garbage television shows on commercial network, and cable TV channels. Public Broadcasting, meanwhile, the one network featuring shows that actually ENLIGHTEN people, has to hold pledge drives and beg for money; mostly because of these Republican Conservative jerks in the USA Congress and House of Representatives, who, rather than fund Planned Parenthood and educational television; would rather spend taxpayer's money on a military that goes around the world to fight wars and prove they are " superior" to those "Muslim Idiots"; more like to grab all their cheap oil and make it easier for their wealthy billionaire constituents to utilize the cheap labor in places such as Bangladesh so as to make more garbage to be sold to the brainwashed American Idiot consumer. And yes, exploiting the youth of America to fight all those wars in the supposed name of " freedom". Freedom? really? In a country which has the highest prison population in the world; most who are serving time for growing marijuana and other harmless to society " crimes". I could go on and on, but the point is this. America might be the greatest country in the world when one compares it to Yemen, Syria, Mali; or maybe Vietnam, Mexico, and those third-world countries down in Africa where they still have no running water or indoor plumbing in many places. However, the USA is not so wonderful when one compares it to Iceland, Finland, Denmark, even the United Kingdom and Canada. The uneducated, ignorant " trailer/apartment trash" piece of human excrement down in Oklahoma where those tornadoes hit can " Thank the blessed lord, Jesus Christ" all they wish to; much like they used to when sitting around the dinner table; thanking the so-called "Lord" for their $10.00 an hour job at Walmart, or at Koch Industries oil refinery after coming home from a hard day's work. Karl Marx said that " Christ" was simply a PHANTASMAGORICAL ILLUSION that the proletariat created as a " comforter" to help them deal with their everyday misery associated with working for nothing more than a paycheck as they serve the bourgeoisie corporation owners. The famous German Psychologist named Sigmund Freud claimed that human beings invented this " divine father called " God" because they seek a father figure in their adult life that reminds them of their actual flesh and blood father they had as children; a " father" who will reward them for doing what they consider to be " good" and punish them whenever they are " bad". Freud's theories do not always make complete sense but this one surely does! Americans, especially, seek out this " Divine Father" so they will remember to always go to church and be " do-gooders" within their communities. That and to " punish" them whenever they do " wrong", for example, go to the Native-American casino or horse racetrack and spend their entire paycheck normally used to support their family on " Mr. Joe Blow"; the horse from Lexington, Kentucky that is owned by Charles Koch of Palm Beach, Florida. That or maybe when the husband goes off to Michael J. Peter's Thee Doll House to get himself a good lap dance; and maybe even a little " tension relief" from his favorite dancer who moonlights as a " call girl" on the side. When " Lucky Bucko's Flowers" wins that horserace and " Mr. Joe Blow" comes in last and they lose the trifecta, he can always explain to his wife and kids that " Satan" made him do it! And yes, come the Fourth of July, they can dance around the flagpole and sing "God Bless America". Come Thanksgiving and " Christmas" [ Yule moved from the day of winter solstice[ usually December 21] to December 25 and renamed "Christmas" by the evil Catholic Church] , they can sit around the family table, eat genetically -modified turkey raised on corn grown in Monsanto's petroleum-based fertilizer, give gifts that they cannot afford, and yes; loudly sing " Joy to the World" or " Come all ye Faithful". More like " Come all ye morons" but that's beside the point. To sum it all up, I have to admit that filmmaker Michael Moore was one-hundred percent correct when, asked what he thought of his fellow Americans during those Neo-McCarthy Years when George Walker Bush was presidents, said " They are, possibly, the dumbest people on the planet". Moore surely had a point here. One look at those ugly pieces of human pig vomit and their children born with fetal alcohol syndrome that were on TV recently, thanking the long- deceased " Lord" they call " Jesus Christ" that their children weren't killed in those Oklahoma tornadoes, and those with any sense will realize that yes, Michael Moore was correct!
Monday, May 6, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
WHEN YOU FIND THE ONE
"When You Find The One" Melissa Etheridge
Well I was a slick midwestern gal
On a long hard road into southern cal
Didn't find any crime fillin' up all my time
I had the devil in my bones and an angel on my mind
and I drank up all the movies and I searched for happy endings
I turned love inside out till I was perfectly pretending
still I believed it could be true
that when you find the one
There's no question in the silence
All is said and done when you find the one
when you find the one
Yeah you could say that I was crazy I was that kinda girl
I had to open up a lot of oysters before I found myself a pearl
I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my grass was green enough
had to be face down in the gutter to see what is and isn't love
Then I woke from all the dreaming to your taste and to your laughter
I cried till I was dry and now live my ever after
I believe I always knew
When you find the one
There's no question in the silence
All is said and done when you find the one
When you find the one
And when you make the choice to believe in your existence
with hello you will know when you find the one
I believe it could be true
yes I believe I always knew
and I believe it could be true
and believe I always knew
when you find the one
There's no question in the silence
All is said and done when you find the one
And when you make the choice to believe in your existence
with hello you will know when you find the one
with hello you will know
On a long hard road into southern cal
Didn't find any crime fillin' up all my time
I had the devil in my bones and an angel on my mind
and I drank up all the movies and I searched for happy endings
I turned love inside out till I was perfectly pretending
still I believed it could be true
that when you find the one
There's no question in the silence
All is said and done when you find the one
when you find the one
Yeah you could say that I was crazy I was that kinda girl
I had to open up a lot of oysters before I found myself a pearl
I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my grass was green enough
had to be face down in the gutter to see what is and isn't love
Then I woke from all the dreaming to your taste and to your laughter
I cried till I was dry and now live my ever after
I believe I always knew
When you find the one
There's no question in the silence
All is said and done when you find the one
When you find the one
And when you make the choice to believe in your existence
with hello you will know when you find the one
I believe it could be true
yes I believe I always knew
and I believe it could be true
and believe I always knew
when you find the one
There's no question in the silence
All is said and done when you find the one
And when you make the choice to believe in your existence
with hello you will know when you find the one
with hello you will know
and so , this past Monday I was thinking of this song. While watching two movies about gay relationships our campus LGBT support group, Stonewall QSA, along with the New Mexico State University Sexual and Gender Diversity Resource Center featured in Milton Hall-our campus communications college; I was thinking about possibilities. The first movie, a short, was one that featured an older lesbian whose life partner had succumbed to sickness and died in the hospital. She was not allowed to see her spouse because, well, she was not legally married to her. The hospital's nurses, who were somewhat homophobic to say the least, would NOT tell her anything! Finally. after she spent a day and night sleeping in that hospital's waiting room; one of the morning nurses she asked the very next day sadly informed her, " I'm sorry, but she passed away yesterday at 3:00 pm. Are you one of the family?" to which she told that nurse she was a close friend. The nurse requested that she contact her friend's family; meanwhile refusing to allow her to view the body which was, by now, downstairs in the hospital's morgue. It was extremely sad, and to make matters worse, the family treated her like a total stranger, the uncle soon to sell the house she and her partner shared for many years.
The next movie, one titled IF THESE WALLS COULD TALK was about a group of young lesbians, all of whom attended the same college and lived just off the campus. They were asked to leave the feminist group after the administration objected to lesbians having a say on their campus; this back in 1972, mind you. One of the women met a " dyke" , or butch lesbian, at a lesbian bar filled with tough women; most of whom were either bikers or cowbois. Her friends did not approve of her new date when she showed up on a Harley Davidson; wearing " men's clothing". Her feminist friends did not approve, as they all " hated men" and felt that her bringing this woman into their shared rental house was a violation of their " feminist principles".
Nevertheless, she angered her new girlfriend, then made it up to her one night when, after driving over to her place; she first apologized, then they kissed right there with the black man next door watching them! They ended up making love so passionately that night; yet her friends still rejected this woman. In the long run, she came to accept the fact that yes, there was nothing at all wrong with a woman who chooses to dress like the traditional man would! That love is on the inside; not on the outside.
The second movie, titled If these Walls Could Talk II, starred Ellen DeGeneres as the more boi-like partner; the movie first aired in 1992 and featured a young Ellen. They decided that they were going to conceive a child between them. High and low, they searched for the perfect sperm donor with the best genes. Deciding upon a sperm bank, they finally decide upon an online sperm bank. To make a long story short, Ellen-the butch partner inserted the IVF device inside her partner's vagina and about a month later; she became pregnant! More about the movie below.
This three-part drama, produced for HBO, examines the changing tides of the lives of lesbians in America, both politically and personally, as we eavesdrop on three stories taking place in the same house over a span of five decades. In 1961, the house is home to Edith (Vanessa Redgrave) and Abby (Marian Seldes), an elderly lesbian couple whose lifestyle is not accepted or acknowledged by their families. When Abby suffers a serious stroke and is on the verge of death, her family rallies to her side, but not understanding the nature of her relationship with Edith, she is not included as her loved ones say their final good-byes. After Abby's death, her nephew (Paul Giamatti) and his wife (Elizabeth Perkins) arrive from out of state with plans to sell the house, without consulting Edith. In 1972, the house is now home to four college students, Michelle (Amy Carlson), Linda (Michelle Williams), Karen (Nia Long), and Jeanne (Natasha Lyonne), all of whom are actively involved in the women's movement and also happen to be lesbians. The four find themselves at odds with the campus women's group when they try to promote an all-women's dance, while the other members of the group feel that feminism, not lesbianism, should be the focus of the group. Similarly, Linda faces hostility from her friends when she becomes involved with Amy (Chloe Sevigny), a very butch townie; Linda's friends see Amy's masculine attire and attitude as a form of self-loathing against being a woman, and while Linda cares deeply for Amy, she's not always comfortable with her and isn't sure that she wants to be public with their relationship. In 2000, Fran (Sharon Stone) and Kal (Ellen DeGeneres), a happy and firmly committed couple, are sharing the house, and after much discussion, they decide that they want to take their relationship to the next level and have a baby. However, deciding that they want a child and dealing with the practicalities of getting pregnant are two different things; Fran and Kal first debate about going to a sperm bank as opposed to asking one of their male friends to help out, and later, either going to a doctor to perform the procedure or trying it at home. DeGeneres' significant other, Anne Heche, wrote and directed the final segment; the 1972 story was directed by Martha Coolidge, and the 1961 episode was directed by Jane Anderson. ~ Mark Deming, Rovi
R, 1 hr. 45 min.
Drama, Television, Gay & Lesbian
Alex Sichel, Sylvia Sichel, Anne Heche, Jane Anderson
Throughout all three movies, I fucking cried so hard! I mean, right there in the theatre. I REALLY FUCKING CRIED MY MOTHER FUCKING EYES OUT. This gnawing feeling deep inside me was making me pine, and pine, and pine, for the feelings that Fran and Kal shared! Perhaps the reason for this was yeah, after finally placing an awesome, knuckles-down, honest to the Goddess personal ad on Match.com; within one week, I met two women with whom a connection seemed evident. The first one, her name Nancy, is 40 years old and from Texas. The second, a businesswoman from Northern Indiana is 46 and , a really sharp, seemingly smart woman. Nancy, who just moved from Pensacola, FL to cedar Hill, TX, she seemed to be moving things along rather quickly; leading me to get a little crazy due to constant feelings of worthlessness and stress associated with my lack of motivation to catch up in my two classes. This after a late start due to Amazon's extra-slow " Super saver delivery" that took 16 FUCKING DAYS TO GET MY BOOKS TO MY PO BOX!
Anyway, Nancy seemed to think that she and I were perfect soul mates, or at least had the potential to become that given some time and nurturing. However, there were some tense moments between her and I. One of those being how, after I stayed up all fucking night last Saturday, she insisted that we " continue our talks" via IM; at which time she demanded to know " What do you do for work besides going to college?" What the fuck? How was I to answer this when I'm on an SSDI/SSI disability income and have not worked in fucking 15 god damn years? So I emailed her, telling her the truth, adding that I expected her to forget about me as a potential partner.
We already had one red flag, this from MY SIDE when she mentioned that she " Trusts in the Lord, Jesus Christ and prays every morning". I DO NOT BELIEVE IN JESUS CHRIST! I am wise enough to understand that Jesus was a fucking Rabbi, a homeless madman who, if what the Bible says is really the truth, had some great ideas about humans ' loving one another". However, Jesus was no different from Mohandas K. Gandhi , Mohammed, Moses and Abraham, Buddha, and every other teacher out there including John Lennon! Jesus was not " Jesus Christ" until 300 CE when Constantine-a Roman Emperor, built a great church in his supposed name; all this being based upon a story passed down from Paul of Tarsus-A MAN WHO WAS NOT EVEN BORN WHEN THE ROMANS ORDERED JESUS-THE MAN-SLAUGHTERED ON THE CROSS FOR BEING A " NUISANCE JEW" AND A " TROUBLEMAKER".
Having watched the documentary titled From Jesus to Christ, I learned all about how the assholes of the Roman Christian church threw away the earliest scriptures of Mary of Magdala, Sayings Quella, THOMAS, and several others who followed the Rabbi. CHRISTIANITY IS BASED ON STORIES; IT IS A FUCKING MYTH! ONE BASED UPON SOME SHITHEAD NAMED PAUL WHO, SAW A MIRAGE OF THE " GOD-SON" FIGURE RISING, FELL OFF OF HIS FUCKING HORSE, AND LATER FELT THE NEED TO TELL THE WORLD " I SAW THE CHRIST!"
I simply explained to Nancy , through the use of a poem, that I do not believe in the same thing that she believes in. Well, needless to say , she then requested that I delete my match.com ad, going so far as to even ask for my password and user name so she could do it in case I did not know how. She wanted for us to focus on our potential relationship and see if we could be compatible. However, I have not heard from her since Monday evening, the night I contacted her on Facebook and told her all about the above movie; that and how I cried through the whole three mini-movies and was so emotionally moved. However, it's been five days since I last heard from her; she is either heartbroken or just figured things out. FUCK IT!
Meanwhile, I put Theresa, the one whose email started with " Fructose" who is from someplace called Walkerton, IN. A businesswoman with a good career, she seems rather eccentric , much like me in many ways. We seem to have the potential to become closer friends; this I sensed from the first reply from her! She seems to be a really awesome person with a great personality, warm, bubbly, what I need to challenge my often dark thoughts about life in general. I could sense something in her, however, friends is what both she, and yes, I, want first! That's the way relationships form; for how many years as fucking " It" did I fail to see this? [ I hate to admit this now, but I saw women as " unavailable vaginas" too stuck up to get to know.] Things are different now as a still not fully complete transsexual woman and yes, a LESBIAN! A LESBIAN!
Anyway, I now understand what it takes to become a viable partner in a relationship! IT BEGINS WITH FRIENDSHIP FIRST! besides, like I told her, I have my life ahead of me and am realizing that the student loan debt is just beginning to accumulate. That said, I need to focus on self-improvement and my writing; and I need to be in a college/university where I can GROW AS A WRITER! New Mexico State University is NOT that place; nor is Las Cruces inspiring to me as an artist! I now wish that I had considered the Maryland Shore, despite my desire to see tall mountains; the fucking Organs have no trees on them except for their eastern slopes. And they have only a few huge pines mixed with Turkey Oaks and desert scrub with a dry brook tucked deep down in a gulch.
I miss New York! The seasonal changes, even the nasty, chilly spring rains that bring those May Blossoms! I need to be in a university which will motivate me to be a better writer; a place where I'll feel more accepted among the LGBT crowd. It is not here at NMSU, the branch Dona Ana-with all its homophobic Mexican-American Assholes fucking really sucks! Even Rhonda, the Mexican-Hispanic woman working at Dona Ana Community College's Student Services for Disabilities Office is NOT the friendly New Mexican she was when I first registered for classes. She now has this snippy " professional" fucking attitude toward me; but I really do not give a flying fuck! Many Mexican-Americans seem so repressed; so fucking CONSERVATIVE! I cannot stand most of them, including my bathroom share-mate here in student apts. at Cervantes Village at NMSU. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PURPOSE OF DECORATING A FUCKING BATHROOM? THE HELL IF I KNOW! All I know is this, I am NOT in the right school for what I want to do!
So, I still have yet to apply to SUNY Purchase College, SUNY Potsdam, SUNY Tompkins-Cortland Community College has a creative writing AA Degree which would be easily transferable to a BA degree school. I am also considering the pricey, yet good California College for the Arts set in the Bay Area in both Oakland and San Francisco; both of which are very queer-friendly places! time is running out! I must get that FAFSA in and will probably be at NMSU-Dona Ana in the fall of 2013, but........
Drama, Television, Gay & Lesbian
Alex Sichel, Sylvia Sichel, Anne Heche, Jane Anderson
Throughout all three movies, I fucking cried so hard! I mean, right there in the theatre. I REALLY FUCKING CRIED MY MOTHER FUCKING EYES OUT. This gnawing feeling deep inside me was making me pine, and pine, and pine, for the feelings that Fran and Kal shared! Perhaps the reason for this was yeah, after finally placing an awesome, knuckles-down, honest to the Goddess personal ad on Match.com; within one week, I met two women with whom a connection seemed evident. The first one, her name Nancy, is 40 years old and from Texas. The second, a businesswoman from Northern Indiana is 46 and , a really sharp, seemingly smart woman. Nancy, who just moved from Pensacola, FL to cedar Hill, TX, she seemed to be moving things along rather quickly; leading me to get a little crazy due to constant feelings of worthlessness and stress associated with my lack of motivation to catch up in my two classes. This after a late start due to Amazon's extra-slow " Super saver delivery" that took 16 FUCKING DAYS TO GET MY BOOKS TO MY PO BOX!
Anyway, Nancy seemed to think that she and I were perfect soul mates, or at least had the potential to become that given some time and nurturing. However, there were some tense moments between her and I. One of those being how, after I stayed up all fucking night last Saturday, she insisted that we " continue our talks" via IM; at which time she demanded to know " What do you do for work besides going to college?" What the fuck? How was I to answer this when I'm on an SSDI/SSI disability income and have not worked in fucking 15 god damn years? So I emailed her, telling her the truth, adding that I expected her to forget about me as a potential partner.
We already had one red flag, this from MY SIDE when she mentioned that she " Trusts in the Lord, Jesus Christ and prays every morning". I DO NOT BELIEVE IN JESUS CHRIST! I am wise enough to understand that Jesus was a fucking Rabbi, a homeless madman who, if what the Bible says is really the truth, had some great ideas about humans ' loving one another". However, Jesus was no different from Mohandas K. Gandhi , Mohammed, Moses and Abraham, Buddha, and every other teacher out there including John Lennon! Jesus was not " Jesus Christ" until 300 CE when Constantine-a Roman Emperor, built a great church in his supposed name; all this being based upon a story passed down from Paul of Tarsus-A MAN WHO WAS NOT EVEN BORN WHEN THE ROMANS ORDERED JESUS-THE MAN-SLAUGHTERED ON THE CROSS FOR BEING A " NUISANCE JEW" AND A " TROUBLEMAKER".
Having watched the documentary titled From Jesus to Christ, I learned all about how the assholes of the Roman Christian church threw away the earliest scriptures of Mary of Magdala, Sayings Quella, THOMAS, and several others who followed the Rabbi. CHRISTIANITY IS BASED ON STORIES; IT IS A FUCKING MYTH! ONE BASED UPON SOME SHITHEAD NAMED PAUL WHO, SAW A MIRAGE OF THE " GOD-SON" FIGURE RISING, FELL OFF OF HIS FUCKING HORSE, AND LATER FELT THE NEED TO TELL THE WORLD " I SAW THE CHRIST!"
I simply explained to Nancy , through the use of a poem, that I do not believe in the same thing that she believes in. Well, needless to say , she then requested that I delete my match.com ad, going so far as to even ask for my password and user name so she could do it in case I did not know how. She wanted for us to focus on our potential relationship and see if we could be compatible. However, I have not heard from her since Monday evening, the night I contacted her on Facebook and told her all about the above movie; that and how I cried through the whole three mini-movies and was so emotionally moved. However, it's been five days since I last heard from her; she is either heartbroken or just figured things out. FUCK IT!
Meanwhile, I put Theresa, the one whose email started with " Fructose" who is from someplace called Walkerton, IN. A businesswoman with a good career, she seems rather eccentric , much like me in many ways. We seem to have the potential to become closer friends; this I sensed from the first reply from her! She seems to be a really awesome person with a great personality, warm, bubbly, what I need to challenge my often dark thoughts about life in general. I could sense something in her, however, friends is what both she, and yes, I, want first! That's the way relationships form; for how many years as fucking " It" did I fail to see this? [ I hate to admit this now, but I saw women as " unavailable vaginas" too stuck up to get to know.] Things are different now as a still not fully complete transsexual woman and yes, a LESBIAN! A LESBIAN!
Anyway, I now understand what it takes to become a viable partner in a relationship! IT BEGINS WITH FRIENDSHIP FIRST! besides, like I told her, I have my life ahead of me and am realizing that the student loan debt is just beginning to accumulate. That said, I need to focus on self-improvement and my writing; and I need to be in a college/university where I can GROW AS A WRITER! New Mexico State University is NOT that place; nor is Las Cruces inspiring to me as an artist! I now wish that I had considered the Maryland Shore, despite my desire to see tall mountains; the fucking Organs have no trees on them except for their eastern slopes. And they have only a few huge pines mixed with Turkey Oaks and desert scrub with a dry brook tucked deep down in a gulch.
I miss New York! The seasonal changes, even the nasty, chilly spring rains that bring those May Blossoms! I need to be in a university which will motivate me to be a better writer; a place where I'll feel more accepted among the LGBT crowd. It is not here at NMSU, the branch Dona Ana-with all its homophobic Mexican-American Assholes fucking really sucks! Even Rhonda, the Mexican-Hispanic woman working at Dona Ana Community College's Student Services for Disabilities Office is NOT the friendly New Mexican she was when I first registered for classes. She now has this snippy " professional" fucking attitude toward me; but I really do not give a flying fuck! Many Mexican-Americans seem so repressed; so fucking CONSERVATIVE! I cannot stand most of them, including my bathroom share-mate here in student apts. at Cervantes Village at NMSU. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PURPOSE OF DECORATING A FUCKING BATHROOM? THE HELL IF I KNOW! All I know is this, I am NOT in the right school for what I want to do!
So, I still have yet to apply to SUNY Purchase College, SUNY Potsdam, SUNY Tompkins-Cortland Community College has a creative writing AA Degree which would be easily transferable to a BA degree school. I am also considering the pricey, yet good California College for the Arts set in the Bay Area in both Oakland and San Francisco; both of which are very queer-friendly places! time is running out! I must get that FAFSA in and will probably be at NMSU-Dona Ana in the fall of 2013, but........
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